I only have a few placed on the internet that I really enjoy looking at, and so far each of them have been systematically destroyed by either getting so far up themselves that they lose sight of their original goal (something awful and Way of the Rodent spring to mind, but more about them another time), or someone else manages to fuck everything up. Today, we’re going to have an in depth look at just such a person. His name is Ensign Teela. Well, actually, his name is something else, which isn’t very polite to give out on the internet, but he also calls himself NyarthMaul and then in a fit of wankiness decided that he was ‘reborn’ (yes, he used the word reborn…what a twat), as Snuffkin. If you really must know his actual name, so you can dedicate a trust fund to his eradication (and I won’t even get into his completely fucked up wife), then I suppose you might find something here.

Anyway, Ensign Teelas incredibly ability is that he lives in Japan. Don’t worry if you didn’t catch that because he will tell you about it again and again and again on possibly the most unpleasant forum on the entire internet. He also cannot write a sentence without it consisting of 5000 words and doesn’t have any sense of humour at all, which means that every update he does on UK:Resistance drags the high quality of writing down. I thought I might help him out and maybe convince him to carve his eyes out with some sort of Japanese thing with a sharp edge by doing a full critique of his newest amazingly shit article on called Goddammit, Japan . Which is partially reprinted here with no permission whatsoever. So here it goes.

Given how inescapable Final Fantasy is, its publicity machine has always been relatively low-key. You can’t see merchandise of Cloud and Zidane and The One That Looks Like Jamie Oliver on the shelves like you can with games such as Pokemon and Dragon Quest. Then, one day, you wake up and Ebay looks like this.

This is the first paragraph. UK:R is meant to be quick to read and funny and to the point. Perhaps phrases like “publicity machine” “relatively low-key” and the massively long winded way of saying everything that stains your shitty articles should be avoided FOR THE SAKE OF JAPAN. The first semi-joke comes in at around 23 words of pure pointless blather. And it’s not even that funny. Who the fuck wakes up to ebay? do you have some sort of computer alarm that wakes you up by bringing up the searchpage, turning the contrast up and playing a sample of the word “JAPAN” over and over again? It doesn’t need to be introduced like that you could in fact replace that whole shitstirring sentence with two words: “Until now.”

I think it’s safe to say at this point that you’ve lost 80% of your audience because it’s just a poorly written introduction, it isn’t that funny and there is something that I can’t quite identify that makes it strongly elitist. Anyway, here’s what happened after you fucked up the entire article within one paragraph:

It’s Final Fantasy in a bottle, courtesy of Square and Suntory! This is exactly the kind of stuff we would have spent WHOLE TENNERS on when we were teenagers, despite not having enough money to even heat the flat. Now we can’t escape the certain knowledge that Hironobu Sakaguchi has wanked into EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE.

Admittedly this isn’t too bad, it’s not quite so verbose, but it could have had a proper joke, the first thing that springs to mind is how many teenagers have their own flat? The last sentence is doing a typical Ensign Teela and expecting you to follow his peculiar train of thought. Did this mysterious Japanese Person (who I presume had something to do with Final Fantasy but I honestly can’t be fucked finding out) wank into the bottle because the fans demand it, or because all his work is wank or what? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I’m sure it’s clear enough to someone who really has played Final Fantasy for months on end, but to the rest of us (ie, those who aren’t 15 year old girls), why should we have to work for entertainment? Particularly when it’s not very good entertainment. Spell it out and make some more of what could have been a fairly funny joke.

It really is Final Fantasy in a bottle, too! Here’s how your brain reacts when you drink it.

1) Initial repulsion and horror.

2) The palate begins to

..blah blah blah, wank wank wank, boring pointless self important text..

only this one has a packet of Jawbreakers dissolved in it. And spunk.

Right idea, but once again, the former writer for NTSC-UK one of the most pretentious sites in the entire universe shows his true style and spoils any smile that might have risen to your face over a drink being terrible just like the game by talking about fuck knows what and not stopping until you’ve lost anyone who still was reading up to this point. Nice spunk reference at the end though, shame about that.

The ingredients are listed as parsley, sage, thyme, royal jelly and something in Japanese that we can’t understand because we don’t know the kanjis for “Company Chairman” and “Tadpoles.” Horrible as it is, it’s nowhere near as bad as the “Collectors Edition” set which comes in these poncey perfume bottles.

What could have again been a good joke is totally spoiled by delivery. “The ingredients are listed as”, sounds boring and dull, much like the rest of the articles. But the worst attrocity comes just after, instead of going the “we have no idea because it’s in foreign” path, like the actual owner of the site, you needlessly show off that you can speak Japanese and unintentionally speak down to your audience. Finally you included these two pictures in your homage to yourself, namely these:

It’s absolutely GAGGING for a dildo reference, then you could link that to the wank jokes you’ve made before and even refer to some of the more bizarre Japanese sexual practises that everyone knows about.

The thing that annoys me most about this article is that it has no reason to be about Japan. This sort of merchandising has been happening here in the boring old Western civilisation for decades. Unecessary references to Japan are what you life for, I understand that, but try and at least keep them to your annoying attention seeking posts on the forum.

There are so many problems with your spamming updates, the lack of spellchecking, the poor wording, the failed attempts at humour and just the self importance of everything you write destroy anything you set out to achieve. UK:Resistance is one of the funniest sites out there at there and you’re very priviliged to even be allowed to write for it, so take the time and get it right. But secretly, I’m hoping that the next Employee update will have you being blown up in classic Star Trek fashion because time has shown that you have no ability to accept criticism or even listen to anyone who disagrees with you, so I doubt this will ever improve.