The Dark Prince

I went to the Australian Open yesterday and bring you the most shocking, most topical and most important news in Tennis today, namely: Serena Williams has an absolutely enormous ass. I mean, really, until you’ve actually seen it for real, it’s hard to believe, because it’s just beyond belief. Here is about the only picture I could find to prove this to you my stoically unconvinced but loyal readers:

See? But even this picture seems to lack the impact that being within 500 metres of this glutonious glob of fat has. The fact is I strongly belief that her ass is so incredibly massive that has a considerable gravitational effect on a light object such as a tennis ball, because there must be some reason why she actually wins matches.

In every match I’ve seen her play, she makes countless errors, hits the ball strongly and confidently way outside the line and generally acts extremely aggressively. Her acclaimed power is indeed there, but the ability to choose where it goes is not - she just hits hard, nothing more. For every shot you see of her hitting a ball close to the line she will have made at least five that missed by miles, yet everyone defends this lardarse. She is praised unconditionally by commentators, regularly stating that they don’t understand why she is making so many mistakes and that she doesn’t usually play like this. Just for reference, if you’re a tennis commentator, the word ‘usually’ means something that occurs regularly, and this is something that happens regularly.

Really the only thing that she and her slightly less rear-dominant sister have proved is exactly how terrible the state of womens tennis is.