Hello there, since I’m feeling like actually updating stuff, I thought you might appreciate a few ways to annoy the horrible class of people, those that loudly proclaim themselves to be better than others, either by pretending to know everything about everything, or by claiming to appreciate something which is created or directly related to other pretentious types, (a recursive relationship, you can tell I’m a computer person).

Anyway, you’ve probably met or read things by them, they’re the types who go on and on about how clever subtext is in writing, who go to amateur poetry readings, who review movies and make ludicrous claims about hidden meanings and such. In other words, stupid people trying to act smart. Here’s some fun games to play.

For those movie types
Whenever you meet one of those people who insist they understand the deeper meanings of films and crap on about symbolism and other overrused attempts at shifting what is essentially simple entertainment to a more “artistic” form. And by artistic I mean, selfish and unenjoyable, although this is not strictly true for all films or indeed art.
Anyway, get them to talk on and on about their favourite film(s), get them to lay down their statements and views on as many silly things as you can. Now comes the fun bit, ask them if they’ve watched Starship Troopers, (a movie which misses most people completely), if they think it’s a shallow action piece, let them dig themselves in nice and deep, as many comments as possible. Then explain to them it’s a film about fascism, the rise of brainwashing and how the events before a war are ignored in order to justify which side is “right” and “wrong”. Look it up on the net, see how many reviewers insist it is a shallow action piece with disturbingly fascist ideals? All of these idiots miss the fact that it was exactly the point of the film.
After explaining this, when you bump into the antagonist again, they will almost certainly tell you what an amazing film it is, and so deep on so many levels etc. Recite to them all their arguments and point out that they had to be told this and are therefore a gullible fool.

On the rare occasion that your self proclaimed god actually understands this, the we go to an even better plan, pick a shallow film, the shallower, the better, preferably one of the troma series, and tell them about how so many people miss the deeper implications, the sutble subtexts and metaphorical counterpoint. Get the really into it, then go away. Then, the next time you see them and they tell you how wonderful it is in a public situation, tell them that it’s only a shallow film meant for fun and not for all this ridiculous pseudo-intellect. The next time, go the other way. Rinse. Repeat.

For those Elitist Band Types
Not mentioning any names, but often good bands get bad fans. When you meet one and you get sick of them, tell them you’ve got their newest unreleased work. This of course won’t be believed, but let them speculate, don’t say any more..eventually they won’t be able to stop themselves from asking about it. Suggest in an undertone that it sounds quite different from all their other work, (this will always be met with some sort of approval, since everyone knows, any good band changes style from record to record), let them get more and more enthusiastic, then arrange some sort of listening for them at your own discression. Now comes the fun part, get a standard but not too interesting band, preferably popular and trashy and record it in reverse, speed it up and slow it down if you must and it may take a few tries before you get an unrecognisable sound that seems about right. If you’re lazy, just get several random noise generators going to a standard beat track instead. Anyway, with your ‘secret copy’ in tow, let them have a listen.

This is slightly more difficult, your protege will either believe it or not. If they don’t, don’t worry, just tell them to keep listening and that they’ll soon hear why it has to be them. Once they truly believe it and start going on about how awesome it is, just let them dig the hole nice and deep. Record their gushing praise if you must. Now, reveal what it is they were really listening to (by reversing the direction of play) and watch them squirm.

For Those Clever Writing Types
Fairly much the same as the other two types mentioned thus far, this clever clogs crap artist believes that clever hidden meanings (usually painfully obvious to most people, but this breed of simpleton thinks that they are somehow clever for noticing it) and complex language use makes the best form of reading. Others just like to be kept interested, but this wonderous artist reads modern poetry written usually by their similarly stupid friends and talks for ages about how wonderful their own writing is.

The technique is similar to the others, make something completely bullshit, 10 random words in a row if you want, copy a few lines out of the script for an old movie with no clear context, whatever takes your fancy really. Get in there, show them this amazing piece of work (again being sure to document their responses and how you got the original “masterpiece” in the first place, and do your thing. If you’re really cruel you can generate a whole series of these poems/pieces and just show how *versatile* this new author is. Usually people like this don’t really understand what they claim to, so be bold and show them the example to follow, so that they make the rope necessary.

As you can see, the technique remains much the same for all types of buffoon-intellectuals, make a false possible thing, get them to praise it and crush them, or find a really unusual example where most people won’t see the hidden messages and get them to insult it. So go out there and make them feel the way they should feel, idiotic and pretentious!