The Dark Prince

It occurred to me the other day, what with me finished uni and half a year to waste until honours, that I had best think about what form of employment I will waste most of the rest of my life worrying about and generally being miserable with. So I started thinking, what could the best possible form of this lengthy torture be? I came up with the following ideas:

A Begger
These guys make a lot of money and have great conditions. It was recently decided within the Beggars Union of Melbourne (wow, a hidden double pun), that not only do beggars have the right to ask people rashly for money and harrass them beyond measure. They also have the right to say rude words and commit indecent and borderline criminal acts should a nasty person not give them money for drugs and alcohol. Be careful the next time you tell a beggar you have no money, you may in fact be committing a crime, since beggars have every right to demand money and expect it. After all, it’s not like it’s your money or anything.

A Psychic
Once you go beyond the bollocks of pretending that you have links with another world, it’s actually a decent job. No proof of any kind is required to validate your abilities, all that needs to be done is to read all the news as regularly as possible so you can guess things that may arise in conversation. And best of all, you don’t even have to be right about anything, because of the uncertaintly of the spiritual world. In other words, just make stuff up. Everyone wins!

A Victim of Terrorism
The celebrity status of being part of this rather elite group guarantees you a place in history. Just think, whilst your death may be painful, you’ll never have to work another day again, plus you’ll have all sorts of people crying about why did it have to be you, whereas if you died normally, no-one would give a fuck. Unfortunately, entry into this group is very very rare, so be sure to increase your chances by moving to the Middle East and/or adopting the “WE WILL HUNT THEM DOWN” limmerick.

A Pool Cleaner/Gardener/Pizza Delivery Guy
While this may seem a fairly dull job on the surface, from various TV Dramas and erm…other…forms of video material it would seem this particular group of the working sector get many many worthwhile perks. Be sure to work in a rich area though, preferably for a young housewife, otherwise the perks may not be as perky as they should be.

A Teenager
Yes we were all teenagers once, and probably wrote poetry about gravestones and ravens, but why stop when you reach 20? For the small price of being an angsty self-righteous prick you need not worry about money, bills and all the misery of life. Instead you get to dispense advice to those older and obviously less capable at life than you. I mean, despite the fact that you’ve never done any of the things you talk about, you obviously know more. Yes, Duncan, I mean you.

The choices are endless my fellow losses to society, we must not limit ourselves to the everyday and follow the extraordinary journey that is the search for meaningful employment.

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