The Dark Prince

Or perhaps I should say, one of the first? I bring good tidings friends. It seems I have attracted the attention of a guest. Check out this wicked awesome and totally tubular comment action! Wicked sick man!

Admittedly it would be nicer if the commentee in question had some basic understanding of satire, punctuation, spelling, grammar or even a semblance of intelligence, but only when a site starts getting random strangers saying stupid things can it be considered truly succesful. It’s a kodak moment people, and hopefully there will be many happy returns. So hurry up internet! More stupid comments please!

It occurred to me the other day, what with me finished uni and half a year to waste until honours, that I had best think about what form of employment I will waste most of the rest of my life worrying about and generally being miserable with. So I started thinking, what could the best possible form of this lengthy torture be? I came up with the following ideas:

A Begger
These guys make a lot of money and have great conditions. It was recently decided within the Beggars Union of Melbourne (wow, a hidden double pun), that not only do beggars have the right to ask people rashly for money and harrass them beyond measure. They also have the right to say rude words and commit indecent and borderline criminal acts should a nasty person not give them money for drugs and alcohol. Be careful the next time you tell a beggar you have no money, you may in fact be committing a crime, since beggars have every right to demand money and expect it. After all, it’s not like it’s your money or anything.

A Psychic
Once you go beyond the bollocks of pretending that you have links with another world, it’s actually a decent job. No proof of any kind is required to validate your abilities, all that needs to be done is to read all the news as regularly as possible so you can guess things that may arise in conversation. And best of all, you don’t even have to be right about anything, because of the uncertaintly of the spiritual world. In other words, just make stuff up. Everyone wins!

A Victim of Terrorism
The celebrity status of being part of this rather elite group guarantees you a place in history. Just think, whilst your death may be painful, you’ll never have to work another day again, plus you’ll have all sorts of people crying about why did it have to be you, whereas if you died normally, no-one would give a fuck. Unfortunately, entry into this group is very very rare, so be sure to increase your chances by moving to the Middle East and/or adopting the “WE WILL HUNT THEM DOWN” limmerick.

A Pool Cleaner/Gardener/Pizza Delivery Guy
While this may seem a fairly dull job on the surface, from various TV Dramas and erm…other…forms of video material it would seem this particular group of the working sector get many many worthwhile perks. Be sure to work in a rich area though, preferably for a young housewife, otherwise the perks may not be as perky as they should be.

A Teenager
Yes we were all teenagers once, and probably wrote poetry about gravestones and ravens, but why stop when you reach 20? For the small price of being an angsty self-righteous prick you need not worry about money, bills and all the misery of life. Instead you get to dispense advice to those older and obviously less capable at life than you. I mean, despite the fact that you’ve never done any of the things you talk about, you obviously know more. Yes, Duncan, I mean you.

The choices are endless my fellow losses to society, we must not limit ourselves to the everyday and follow the extraordinary journey that is the search for meaningful employment.

You know, organisations that spout lines like that make me incredibly sick. Mostly, because they are usually started by celebrities who have more money than the organisation will *ever* raise but also because well, their way of raising funds is to organise a big event that doesn’t earn much money and probably costs more to run than any funds it raises.

Take for example the wonderfully bogus live8 concert that was held not that recently. Half the singers present were hasbeens who are clearly trying to bring attention back on themselves, but if they really wanted to do something, why couldn’t they each donate a million or so dollars? It’s nothing to them, and it’s far more than the few people who still want to listen to these losers would ever give.

If they truly wanted to make poverty history, they’d get together in groups of six and play Russian Roulette. The losers would not only rid the world of their annoying and selfish presence, but the money that they waste on frivoloties could achieve incredible things in the right place. Not only that these horrible attention whores would be forever remembered in history..they all win!

Our guest today on poor attempts at mock interview is a short man who looks much like a ventriloquists dummy, is the owner of a little known town called England, part of the United States of Britain. He met with me today to promote this property, which is now going for the very reasonable price of $125,000. Any offers should be left in the comments section below or directed to his E-mail address: tonykins@aol.com

Myself: Right then, to start with, tell me why this small apartment is for sale if you could?

Ventriloquists Dummy: Well, we’ve had a few problems with other people living in the town. It’s a bit small and cramped, and then there’s the….

Myself: The?

Ventriloquists Dummy: Errr…nothing much, just a recent spout of people blowing themselves up.

Myself: That’s terrible!

Ventriloquists Dummy: Yes, we had a few small attacks and about 50 people were killed. We were terrified, but don’t worry, I gave a great speech about how we would stop all these horrible attacks and destroy anyone at all who even thinks about doing this.

Myself: I can understand being worried, it’s a fairly shocking sort of event. As for the speech, well, it’s a bit stupid isn’t it? I mean, how on earth could you possibly find someone before they attack?

Ventriloquists Dummy: Oh I know. It’s an impossible claim and I probably shouldn’t have made it.

Myself: But what I don’t understand is why this has happened in the first place? Surely you’ve done nothing to deserve this?

Ventriloquists Dummy: I can’t imagine why. I mean there could be…

Myself: There could be what?

Ventriloquists Dummy: Well, a while ago we sorta helped out a fat rich bully destroy an entire neighborhood and pretty much turn it into a warzone. Not a week goes by when you don’t here about a bomb going off in that place. I mean, before we made it better and introduced it to a better way of life, they had some peace, but a bit of a nasty weapons chap in charge, now however, the glories of being a democratic neighborhood is theirs to enjoy.

Myself: So you basically helped someone interfere in a neighborhood, turn the whole place into no mans land for no good reason whatsoever then? This is a bad thing, I’ll admit, although how does it relate to whats happening at your place?

Ventriloquists Dummy: Well despite how I like to make it sound, it’s not that simple. See the fat rich kid keeps helping people like this all the time. He actually started off that chap, he gave him all his weapons. Before that he demolished another neighborhood and keeps telling everyone that these places are bad and the people are subhuman.

Myself: Sounds like a lovely person. So why on Earth did you follow him in the first place? He’s obviously a madman of some sort.

Ventriloquists Dummy: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. He told us they were very bad and we believed him.

Myself: And now you’re complaining about a few bombs when you’ve caused an entire country to be in a constant state of martial law.

Ventriloquists Dummy: Well, you make it sound like we’ve done something wrong. But really, we’ve done the best for our neighborhood. We’ve got to stop these witches.

Myself: Witches? (I begin to wonder if a straight jacket will be needed)

Ventriloquists Dummy: YES! WITCHES! They hate our way of life, they want to destroy us all, and are really really bad. They deserve no rights, and we will torture them all until they’re dead.

Myself: Okay, this is sounding a bit familiar, didn’t you say something about this earlier?

Ventriloquists Dummy: You see? We’ve already been attacked by witches! They rely on fear and hate us all. We’ve never done anything to them but they will kill us. Don’t worry though, we will never give in, we’ll hunt them down.

Myself: You’re repeating yourself a bit there. The same problem remains though, you still have no way of finding them.

Ventriloquists Dummy: We know exactly how they look! We’ve seen them on the television, black pointy hats and broomsticks. If we see anyone who even looks a bit like that, we’ll get them, and then we’ll insert forks in their ass. They hate our way of life! (He is getting a bit worked up now)

Myself: So if you saw, say a janitor, you could mistake them for a witch and kill them, for example?

Ventriloquists Dummy: Well, we actually did kill one accidentally, turned out he wasn’t a witch, but I think it’s worth killing a few innocent people to get those EVIL WITCHES! WE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL WE GET THEM!

From this point onwards the interviewee became more and more crazed and was eventually subdued, he is currently undergoing psychiatric treatment for delusions and paranoia.

Spurned on by the recent dramatic increase in readership (ie, at least one person read the last one), I have decided to try and make a regular thing of this writing stuff. At least until I get bored with it again, which will probably be about 2 updates from now.

The last entry was a bit rough wasn’t it? So for this entry, brought on by sheer public demand, I will attempt to write in a positive or at least less negative way. So what’s the title of this one again? oh yeah, that. Right, well, today children, I wanted to speak to you about TV shows. See, there is a lot of not very good TV on at the moment, or if it is good, then it’s been so repeated that it’s become like a piece of furniture rather than some form of entertainment, it’s just..there.

So, in between flicking through Law and Order: Spinoff Intent Unit, or Survivor: Some generic country where apparently the natives have challenges involving sitting on poles, or even the jolly fun of all the “I was abducted by aliens” mini-series that have come up. I won’t even mention the new 24, because it’s been critically acclaimed as better than the previous 24, so that means it’s only slightly shit.

However there is some good of it, but in the strangest of all places. Y’see, among the various trashy series, there was a particularly bad series called “The Practise”, it dealt with probably the most loathsome group of trained professionals in society. Lawyers. It was a pile of tosh with overly-melodramatic sequences usually involving soul searching and so on. It was crap.

Then came a character so cool that even I couldn’t help watching the series. The actor playing this character is James Spader, who was also in Stargate (the movie). Needless to say, even with the introduction of another cool character played by William Shatner (of Star Trek), the unvaryingly dull storylines of the other non Spader/Shatner cast was too strong and the series died.

However a spinoff was made and is immensly watchable. Why is it so? Is it the moral teachings of each episode? Is it the supporting cast and their cliched characters? Is it the rivetting and unpredictable plot? Nope, apart from some slight differences from the norm, the only reason the show is fun to watch is due to these two actors. Imagine that, with directors, a cast of about 10 regular actors and god knows how many support crew, the entire show seems to only be propelled along by these two people. Well, I mean someone has to script what they say and so on, but really, these two guys make it all worth while.

I’m sure that now I’ve said this the series will get cancelled and replaced with something involving Jessica Simpson or perhaps even another series of The Apprentice, but watch it while you can, it’s worth looking at.