The Dark Prince

Well, things have changed since I’ve been away, in the realm of exams and general nastiness. I return here, only to find that my comments section has died and well, maybe it’s time I started updating more often. So a nice new entry for all of you, enjoy

Now, as the title of this precious and well researched paper suggests, this detailed work of art details with the subtle difficulties of living with humans. Humans are a strange creature, they possess two arms and two legs and a lot of attitude. As a result of these attitudes, opinions and selfish nature, living with a human can be quite problematic. Allow me to take you through some of the more disturbing aspects of this theory.

Of all the problems encountered with humans, almost all of them are about money and sharing, by far the worst example I’ve ever seen consists of a case of two such homo sapiens living together. Now, pretend you are such a beast for a second, hard to do, I know, but we scientists must try. Got it? Can you feel the inadequacies, the false confidences, the general inconsideration towards other such creatures? I know it hurts, but it won’t be for long.

Right, now being this pretend human thingo that you are, now pretend that you live with another. Imagine you share half of your space with another. You pay half the money for said space, buy your own food and try (within the limited capacity that humans can), to consider your living partner when making certain decisions. For example, generally it is not good to play extremely loud music when others are trying to sleep. Obvious to us, but not so obvious to the human character. A simple arrangement, and one that would seem hard to make uncomfortable, but if you are still pretending to be like these horrible mutants, you will realise that it is an extremely tenuous arrangement.

Now, the first thing you will immediately notice, in your emulated state, is that there are obvious ways to exploit the sharing nature. You can use more of the resources, eat all the food, not clean up after yourself in shared areas, make excessive noise at innapropriate times, find excuses not to pay your half of the rent by not being there, but the really obvious method is that of guests. Humans being the supposedly social creatures they are (a strange concept really, considering how utterly inconsiderate the human is), they often require others around them, this said, they often invite guests. Now, it is an unsaid agreement that you may invite guests to a shared accomodation, it is fair to offer them shared food or even to use shared resources. The problem is that when a guest becomes a regular the situation becomes slanted.

Still being human? Good, keep it up, because it’s the only way you’ll ever comprehend this. Now imagine that you invite a guest to stay over for an entire weekend. Stretching the agreement right? Well, not really if it’s a once off. It is however, if they come over *every* weekend and most days of the week, leeching all things and taking up space. If they stay there all the time, bring sleeping arrangements, personal equipment and clothes they are technically living there and as such should pay their way. The worst thing is that some, lowly disgusting humans, expect to do this without compensating their living partner in any way. If a third person is living in an abode, they should pay rent too, otherwise it is freeloading, and nothing more than a blatant slap in the face of the living partner.

Even worse than this is the treatment that can sometimes occur when this sort of lopsided arrangement occurs. Usually if a guest is around, and the guest and host intend on doing something, it is customary to occasionally invite the living partner every now and then, to show some form of respect for the living arrangement. Even more so, it is important for the guest and host to be careful not to impose too much on the other tenant. For example, giggling, excessively, loudly, all the time and driving your living partner to the point where they must escape is extremely inconsiderate and is punishable by death in some countries. Doing this, forcing a person from their own home without compensating them in some form of rent or even asking if said guest can stay for such an extended period is simply beyond belief. Even in your emulated human form, I could never expect you to believe this is possible, unless you see it for yourself. In fact right now, I am revitalising just such as escapee, who managed to narrowly escape from a land of selfishness, inconsideration and blatant exploitation for at least a month now. Maybe soon this poor, badly treated person will some day be able to live in the wild again, but for now the damage will take some time to undo.

I have seen this, in all my experimentation, observation and carefully plotted theories, once. One time, have I seen a human, so inconsiderate as to perpetrate such a henious act. It was made far worse by the act of leaving the apartment alone for holidays and not paying the half of the rent, a crime not only punishable by death, but by hanging drawing and quartering in several continents.

I only wish that I had been the living partner. If it was me, I would burn all property of this filthy human, I would forcibly remove them from my habitat, and I would never talk to them again. Unfortunately, humans being the nasty little critters they are, this one managed to find a perfect victim, who even still considers this lowly creature a friend. Even in an emulated state, I cannot perceive how this is possible. My only wish is that something truly dreadful happens to this human, or they in some way understand their hideous doings and try to right the deep wrongs they have committed.

Bearing this in mind, I have prepared a following list, a guideline for living with humans:

1. Make sure all unspoken agreements are spoken and preferably put down in writing
2. Keep foodstuffs separate, make sure that there is an obvious divide between ‘mine’ and ‘yours’, otherwise before you know it, an entire weeks worth of food will disappear into the deep beyond.
3. Anything bought for the apartment should be done so entirely by one person. One person should buy the fridge, the other the TV etc. Then when you move out or kill the human you know exactly what belongs to who.
4. Don’t! I have yet to see a living arrangement with humans where someone is not disadvantaged. Humans are not social creatures in the true sense of the word. They will hurt or even kill each other to further their own ends.

Thank you for attending the lecture, be sure to pay for the ticket at the door.