Since many of you, my horde of insatiable fanatics, have requested it, here it is. Okay, okay, okay. Two people requested it. Fine.

Once upon a time there was an idiot. Well, several idiots actually. Now that I think about it, a whole lot of idiots. If I could count the number of idiots in the world, then I wouldn’t be writing this I guess, I would be there, counting away, living from the sheer thrill of counting the innumerous cretins that populate this fine flat dish thingy.

Anyway, this particularly story encompasses the pathetic and meaningless lives of four of these idiots, and my recognition of them as such. These horseman of the acrapolis, these enid blyton characters are (in order of idiocy) :

• Mr Eggplant: Champion of stupid statements and arguing loudly, his name arises from his appearance which is now described as an eggplant with glasses. If ever you are unfortunate enough to meet this blobbering cluster of pudge, never ever engage him in conversation, no matter what you say, he will repeatedly insist on his own rather slanted view of the world and anything else is simply heresay. His achievements involve bragging about things, looking stupid and existing.
• Mr. Spoon: Whilst much more intelligent than the amazing eggplant, Mr. Spoon has managed to annoy many people before they even knew his name with his constant babble on things he knows nothing of and terrible, terrible smell. His title comes from his arrogance when acting as a waiter, onlookers proclaimed that he appeared to have a spoon inserted into his rectum. His achievements involve not wearing deodorant, smelling, boring the hell out of many many people and making incredibly unfunny comments.
• Mr Bounce: Whilst not overly vocal, his lack of skill in anything coupled with his claims of knowledge bring him in a comfortable third in todays round up. The easiest way to describe the sort of person he is, is to explain that he bought a new computer with a DVD burner when they were really really expensive, around a year ago. To this day he has not managed to burn a single DVD with it. You all know someone like this, someone who simply tries but cannot succeed at anything, yet insists on being an expert at all things. In fact, his noble DVD player earnt him the title under which he resides, as it was once hypothesised by the greatest thinker of our time that it didn’t work because it’s owner cannot bounce. His achievements involve not burning DVDs, not winning at any game he claims to be good at and screeching about needing to work before scurrying away when thrashed at any game of skill.
• Mr. 1337: Whilst last on this list, still an amazingly irritating character. He does in fact have skills where he claims he has them, but unfortunately, he is of the “better-than-thou” fodder and if ever you disagree on anything he says, he simply brushes you aside as inferior. True pleasure can be gained by crushing someone like this at something which they claim to be good at, or watching someone else do it. His name, is uninspired as is the rest of him, and is given due to the excessive amounts of times he says it, (for those of you who don’t know, 1337 is meant to represent the word elite or ‘leet’, in some foreign code or something). His achievements involve losing at warcraft three and then making excuses for it, continually insisting he is right, not being elected for a job when he gave a speech which showed his immense arrogance and spitting a lot, (unintentionally).

These four rather worrying characters have many fun adventures, sometimes with and sometimes against each other.  But nothing will ever change their complete lack of any appealing characteristic whatsoever. As homework for today my minions of chocolate, I bid thee the visit one of the worst forums on the internet and see if you can conclude which of these four characters is which.