The Dark Prince

Hello again all you funky cats and dead koalas, it’s been a while since you’ve had the chance to bask in the glory of a shiny new update upon these hallowed pages, but now you may, yet again, get a really bad sunburn with the Ultra Violet glow of my wisdom.

Today, we’re going to cover an exciting new topic that you obviously can’t get enough of, those wacky Elections!!! (The three exclamations are required by law to make the topic even more exciting). Although you may think that you’ve had as much as you can have of the Elections!!! after hours upon hours of ads, current affairs programs trying to predict who will win and complete media saturation whenever any minor event takes place, you clearly don’t realise that you need more.

Whilst there are many good dissections and excellent writings about the Elections!!! findable by the box of Gerald, I believe several things need to be covered further. Personally, I think that the Elections!!! are immensly enjoyable. All of a sudden things that everyone wants done are all started at once, roadworks crop up everywhere, pension payments massively increase and all sorts of chances take place at a rate previously thought impossible. The bad thing is that once these Elections!!! thingoes are done, the roads remain chopped up and all pension payments get crippled once again.

So with this in mind, I think there should be Elections!!! every 4 months. This will ensure that pensions stay high, roads remain new and slagging matches between brainless politicians are endless, much like the transformers, only without any interest whatsoever.

Furthermore, the elections themselves are fairly useless. We may choose between a bunch of overweight old men who have identical views anyway and somehow this is considered democracy. Why not cut out the middle man? The elections are so time consuming anyway, why not have them as a series of referendums about each of the supposed issues? This way, whoever got in would be forced to give the bulk of Australia what they actually want, rather than making false promises and ignoring them once in power.

In fact, we could go one step further and have Election!!! Idol. Every week a possible candidate would be eliminated from the running after performing a song of sorts. I wouldn’t fancy John Howards chances, but he does tend to sing a new tune every week anyway, so who knows? Only the “Australian Public” would decide.

For those of you who aren’t in Australia, sorry if this was a bit confusing.

For those of us who aren’t female

A little while ago, an acclaimed writer write an utterly brilliant piece of prose, so powerful that it brought whole nations to tears. A bit further before that, I wrote some crap about a stupid book with lots of propaganda in it. I also said that I would provide a similar set of rules for males, so here we go:

The Rules for non-Women Folk

1. Be Honest -
   If she asks how an item of clothing looks, then she clearly isn’t sure, so show your full support by laughing loudly.  When she seems proud of a new outfit, tell her exactly what you think of the style which it encompasses. Lastly, an honest opinion is needed if she ever asks if her butt looks too big. Remember to stretch your arms out when explaining exactly how large her rear is.
2. Be Open -
   Everyone knows that women love honesty and truth in a relationship. On your first date, announce that you intend to video tape her having sex and put it on the web. Make her feel comfortable by burping loudly and using the same language you would in a room full of drunken guys. She will appreciate your courage in showing your true appearance, so never bother wearing deodorant or cleaning.
3. Always Arrive Late -
   Women take several months to prepare for any outing they take whatsoever, thus you should try not to bring this fact to their attention by arriving several minutes late. If they happen to mention your generosity in a negative fashion, reply with something along the lines of: “Well, my watch says I’m early”, then show her your watch which you have put back by four hours just to prove the point.
4. Relax -
   Many first dates are spoiled by being too tense about the occasion and doing something which is usually considered silly. The solution to this eternal struggle is to find a way of relaxing. One method is to drink a lot before the date, most people swear by this method. Another is to take a walkman of some description along and listen to calming music throughout the evening. If things become particularly tense, or if the female insists on talking to you, then simply turn the volume up.  This will ensure an excellent evening. For you.

Now, go forth my minions and follow the rules for an excellent and healthy dating experience.

Since many of you, my horde of insatiable fanatics, have requested it, here it is. Okay, okay, okay. Two people requested it. Fine.

Once upon a time there was an idiot. Well, several idiots actually. Now that I think about it, a whole lot of idiots. If I could count the number of idiots in the world, then I wouldn’t be writing this I guess, I would be there, counting away, living from the sheer thrill of counting the innumerous cretins that populate this fine flat dish thingy.

Anyway, this particularly story encompasses the pathetic and meaningless lives of four of these idiots, and my recognition of them as such. These horseman of the acrapolis, these enid blyton characters are (in order of idiocy) :

• Mr Eggplant: Champion of stupid statements and arguing loudly, his name arises from his appearance which is now described as an eggplant with glasses. If ever you are unfortunate enough to meet this blobbering cluster of pudge, never ever engage him in conversation, no matter what you say, he will repeatedly insist on his own rather slanted view of the world and anything else is simply heresay. His achievements involve bragging about things, looking stupid and existing.
• Mr. Spoon: Whilst much more intelligent than the amazing eggplant, Mr. Spoon has managed to annoy many people before they even knew his name with his constant babble on things he knows nothing of and terrible, terrible smell. His title comes from his arrogance when acting as a waiter, onlookers proclaimed that he appeared to have a spoon inserted into his rectum. His achievements involve not wearing deodorant, smelling, boring the hell out of many many people and making incredibly unfunny comments.
• Mr Bounce: Whilst not overly vocal, his lack of skill in anything coupled with his claims of knowledge bring him in a comfortable third in todays round up. The easiest way to describe the sort of person he is, is to explain that he bought a new computer with a DVD burner when they were really really expensive, around a year ago. To this day he has not managed to burn a single DVD with it. You all know someone like this, someone who simply tries but cannot succeed at anything, yet insists on being an expert at all things. In fact, his noble DVD player earnt him the title under which he resides, as it was once hypothesised by the greatest thinker of our time that it didn’t work because it’s owner cannot bounce. His achievements involve not burning DVDs, not winning at any game he claims to be good at and screeching about needing to work before scurrying away when thrashed at any game of skill.
• Mr. 1337: Whilst last on this list, still an amazingly irritating character. He does in fact have skills where he claims he has them, but unfortunately, he is of the “better-than-thou” fodder and if ever you disagree on anything he says, he simply brushes you aside as inferior. True pleasure can be gained by crushing someone like this at something which they claim to be good at, or watching someone else do it. His name, is uninspired as is the rest of him, and is given due to the excessive amounts of times he says it, (for those of you who don’t know, 1337 is meant to represent the word elite or ‘leet’, in some foreign code or something). His achievements involve losing at warcraft three and then making excuses for it, continually insisting he is right, not being elected for a job when he gave a speech which showed his immense arrogance and spitting a lot, (unintentionally).

These four rather worrying characters have many fun adventures, sometimes with and sometimes against each other.  But nothing will ever change their complete lack of any appealing characteristic whatsoever. As homework for today my minions of chocolate, I bid thee the visit one of the worst forums on the internet and see if you can conclude which of these four characters is which.

Long ago, in the dark times when lightbulbs weren’t around, progress was made by the individual. As you can imagine, these times were both good and bad. Bad because you had to go and buy candles to screw into the light fittings, and believe me, it’s very hard to screw a candle into a light fitting. Bad because candles and their wick don’t conduct electricity, so they didn’t work very well as lighting devices.

But these times were also very good as well. Because of the lack of heirachy on technology and progress in general (apart from a rather nasty class distinction), anyone who tried something new and found positive things was recognized. So, great leaps were made when some smarty pants did in fact invent the lightbulb and everyone breathed a sigh of relief, because when you burn the filament out of a candle, it’s really bloody hard to get it out of the light fitting.

Those times are now at an end. In this dank, lightbulb filled world, even the 100 Watt Globe (named after a bloke called James Globe) cannot spread light over the difficulties in bringing progress to the fore. Gone are the recognitions of the individual, in are the faceless masses of corporation. Instead of individual inventions being recognised and celebrated on their merit, this material, bulbish world relies on marketing and fashion to decide where technology will take us next.

At this time, there are some amazing increases in technology, and education is so widespread that many of the more intelligent in society now have a chance to do something with their abilities. This should be a golden age of expansion of the human knowledge base, instead it is one of almost complete stagnation. Everything that can be creatively designed is done so in teams, removing any touch of an individual. Without this individual touch, we live in a society filled with cars and buildings that are almost entirely identical in design. We watch TV shows and movies so formulaic and repetitive that if anything is even slightly different is is labelled as alternative, or weird. We listen to music that everyone else listens to, and sounds like every other popular piece of music, with little or no appreciation for the creative possibilities.

These things are bad. Terribly bad. But what shocks, what saddens me to the core is that even the sacred world of computer games has fallen to this plague of uniformity. A world where no physical or mental rules apply and true freedom of creation has been brought under a reign of standards, marketing and bile. Even the lightbulbs look the same.

How long will this last? Who knows, until a major revolution in society, whether through war or glabal climate change, but at least we have the lightbulb.

Good evening my hopeful bunch of readers. I know that many of you have been expecting some form of update and well, you have been neglected. Again. Some of you have even complained that my last entry was a bit poor, which only suggests that you didn’t imagine a piece good enough, so the fault is clearly yours.

Anyway, the subject of today is a quaint little book called the rules, which are always mentioned with capital letters and italics, so really it is about “The Rules”. This book is a goldmine of propoganda and excessive bias. Here is a small extract (which may have been slightly embellished):

Case 1:
Roberta was over 400 pounds, smelt strongly of garlic and tuna and looked as though she’d been run over by a bus at least four times a day. However Roberta followed “The Rules” and within 2 hours she had acquired a billionaire husband who thought she was a goddess and attented to her every need.

I don’t know about you but that certainly coerced me into following “The Rules”, clearly this is a perfectly normal case, and should happen with everyone. However, just to make sure that you are indeed a convert to the fundamental cult of “The Rules”, there are more examples:

Case 2:
Gertrude was a very attractive woman. She was at least 9 foot and had a perfect body, but she didn’t follow “The Rules”, and so every date she went on, even with the most attractive males ended up with her being sodomised and filmed for an internet porn site. After several hundred dates of this kind and thus several hundred new internet domains, she was forced to commit suicide by drowning herself in the toilet, after using it. If only she had followed “The Rules”, she would be spared this horrible fate.

And it goes on. And on. Pages and pages follow about how wonderful “The Rules” are, and how they will work for anyone, no matter the situation, or target. I guess the writers of this positive Mecca of inspiration are also responsible for the several million chain letters that go around threatening similar fates if you don’t pass them on to several thousand people.

So, go out and buy “The Rules” today and look forward to a life of perfect dates and the husband of your dreams. If you’re male you’ll just have to get used to the idea of gay marriage - sorry, but “The Rules” are only for women.

Don’t worry though you red blooded males for soon we shall have our own rules, carefully made to ensure only the best experience possible, just as long as you follow them to the very last letter.